I have been reading in a couple of international publications recently that the current economic crisis may result in a case of health crisis too; both physical and mental. That's why I am writing this.
I was walking back from lunch the other day and I noticed the weather outside. Gloomy and the clouds appeared to be ready to open up at any time. With my stomach full after a satisfactory lunch of soup and coffee, my observation of the day’s weather should have been just that...an observation. But it was not meant to be and hence something for me to put into words.
When the chillness of the air caressed my skin, a distant memory flooded my consciousness. It was not really a memory per se; more like a feeling ‘remembered’ by my intellect. And that memory sent a momentary shudder down my spine. As fast as it came, it disappeared. It was a distant memory of my depression and my depressive feelings that haunted me for many years. In a way, this is a closure for me. I have not put any serious thoughts to this and maybe this is it. Time for me to close that chapter in my life; and as always, through writing. I hope somebody out there, right now, in the corporate world, will find some solace and do what is needed to help themselves or others at their work-place.
I hope those of you who are reading this (especially if you are a male) will take this as both an advise, sharing and maybe even as a tool to either help yourself or others who may be facing depressive episodes in life. I guess, if you have or is still in depression today, you will know exactly what I mean by depressive ‘episodes’. It is a misnomer really. When depression hits you, it stays. It doesn't come and go. It appears to be so but in truth it is there all the time, clinging stubbornly like a poisonous layer on your very being. It saps your energy and your happiness. All you can feel is a sense of helplessness and loneliness. The curse of depression is that it can hit you even when everything is going great in your life. Like me.
I am not a trained therapist nor do I claim that I suffered the worst of depression. But I know I suffered enough to want to help others.
I remember that I first had this deep nagging sense of lethargy…that's how it starts…when I was 15 years of age. It was a strange feeling for a small town boy like me to comprehend. After all, I just did my family proud by becoming one of the top students in my school for SRP. The school was creating a special post for me in the prefects board just to accommodate me. Later, I found out that the Principle felt he made a mistake by announcing that another girl to be the head prefect and to avoid any embarrassment to her, the school created a special ‘advisory’ post to accommodate me. All these should have made me happy and breeze through my secondary school. But it didn’t. I became despondent, moody and there was always this deep sense of despair. That things just didn't matter. But strangely I did well in my studies and it seems my student leadership was not diminished in any way. I also remember being a scout leader at that time. But others didn’t know (even I could not put a name) to the demons that have taken home in my soul and which will shake me to my roots in later years.I despaired in my successes. I despaired when my beloved grandmother passed away. I despaired when I achieved important mile-stones in my career. For everything...my despair was the common denominator.
That was the pattern all through my upper secondary, post secondary and my university days. That was the pattern through my first and second jobs…my marriage and my first years of my fatherhood before it ended in my divorce. The only thing is that the intensity of my depression increased. Simultaneously and strangely, my worldly success was also enhanced. I had a good job. I earned well, I completed my Masters. I was blessed with 2 beautiful baby girls. But I was depressed. Nobody knew this or if they knew they would not have believed it as my external life was just good. A perfect life. One that every mother would dream for her son.
It took me years before I realized that I was going through depression. That's when I realized that my subconscious pushed me to do a thesis on this very same subject matter for my Master’s degree. It was my subconscious’s desperate attempt to make me realize that I am going through depression. Somewhere around this time, I did an on-line self assessment for depression and I was diagnosed as ‘severely depressed’! The more I read for my thesis, the more I began to identify with my own feelings.
It is almost impossible for a non-depressive person to understand what it means to be depressed. The common fallacy is that you can easily identify a depressed individual. They will ‘look’ depressed. They will look sad, un-kept, de-motivated. That's true in some cases. These are the lucky ones as others may be able to help them. Then, there is a vast majority who go about their daily lives and even achieve great heights in their careers with the curse of depression hanging over them.
In my own struggle to cope with depression, I used to fear certain sounds and sights that will immediately magnify my depression. Even songs and certain tastes. It’s inexplicable. It just happens. So, that sight and feel of a cloudy day with the rain just about to burst out would have driven a deep searing pain into my being a few years ago. A deep unphantomable sense of dread. Of meaninglessness which would have stopped me momentarily from doing what I was doing. And, it would have taken a herculean effort to snap out of that. I remember hating my mornings. The moment I rouse my self from sleep, a wave of negativity (for want of better word) will sweep over me. I will robotically get prepared for work, go to work and do what I was supposed to do. But, all the while I will long for night to come. It was like a blanket for me. The night kills all the noise and the hurried existence around me. It allowed me to withdraw into my shell. I felt safe and a little at peace with my self. But I knew, morning will come and that thought will get me depressed while I get ready to sleep. So, you can imagine that this pattern of behavior will kill off any marriage. It did mine. I compensated that with intellectual growth and career development. Something had to give and something had to grow. I guess that's how the self fragments it self so that some parts of it can be saved.
My worst period was about 4 years ago when I had a severe bout of depression for about 3 months. Lucky for me, I had a wonderful manager who understood my needs and gave me the space to produce my work. He didn’t insist on office rules and regulations and that helped me to produce good work despite my personal struggles.
Then, somehow…since the last 3 years… I could also sense that I began to climb out of my bottom-less pit. Why and how…I don't know. Just as it came for no apparent rhyme or reason, it has also left me by no apparent cause. Maybe the reasons for this change is a combination of a thousand factors. A thousand minute thoughts or things that I have read and thought about. Maybe it is even related to my stars and planets or even my hormones. Maybe its the physical workout that I do diligently. I don’t know but I began to enjoy my days. I began to enjoy my work not because it’s my psycho-compensation mechanism but because I really liked what I do. This corresponded with many other aspects of my life. I could hold a meaningful relationship. I could let go….just let go. I felt no need to convince others to my point of view nor feel offended. I became more forgiving as I had to forgive my self first. I also became more sensitive to others who may suffer silently as I did. I let the universe take care of the details. I don't despair. I live. I became a father, a son, a nephew, a cousin, a brother, a lover, a friend.
For those of you who are experiencing the pain and destructive effects of depression, don’t loose hope. Ride out the storm. It will be OK. If you have to manage people and be responsible for your department’s or company’s performance, your challenge will be that much more difficult. Get help. Talk to somebody who can assist you. There are medications and there are therapies which I have been told to be quite effective. You may need those or you may be lucky enough like me to hang on until the storm passes. Either way, talk to your trusted friends and partners. Let them know. Let them help.
Looking back, what kept me going was my deep sense of responsibility towards my work and my love for what I do. Find your anchors and hold tight to them. Mine was my ego...I knew I could not fail in my work. I needed my work to save me. It did.
I found the following poem on the net and this will aptly bring to a closure the darkest chapters of my life. You are free to define the Me & I as you wish.
Remember Me, I AM Here.
When you are suffering and in pain,
Remember Me, I AM Here.
When all your days seem to only rain,
Remember Me, I AM Here.
When things just seem to never go right,
when relief is out of reach and sight,
when grief is constant day and night,
Remember Me, I AM Here.
When peace and joy are just memories,
Remember Me, I AM Here.
When your life is just one stormy sea,
Remember Me, I AM Here.
When behind the clouds there is no rainbow,
which means peace yet all you have is sorrow,
when you are in despair and don't know where to go,
Remember Me, I AM Here.
When your trial of faith won't go away,
Remember Me, I AM Here.
When your circumstances will not change,
Remember Me, I AM Here.
When your troubles seem to never end,
you are alone without one single friend,
look at the Constant Presence on whom to depend,
Remember Me, I AM Here.
God bless you my friend. You are not alone.
NOTE :
Guess what, the following famous people have been reported to have struggled with depression:
1. John Adams
2. Hale Berry
3. Barbara Bush
4. Drew Carey
5. Melanie C
6. Jim Carey
7. Winston Churchill (yes, the ‘bull-dog’ prime minister of England)
8. Kurt Cobain (the worst case)
9. Charles Darwin (hmmm…figures!)
10. Princess Diana
11. Charles Dickens ( the Christmas Carol is said to be a result of one of his depressive episodes)
12. Harrison Ford
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